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 Jesus whispers to you, I desire to be your foundation and strength. You no longer have to muster up your own—no need to earn My Love. I know you’re grateful and appreciative. I know you want to show Me that by your works, but you’re trying to get something from Me that I have already freely given to you, as a gift of pure love.
 
I don’t want you to ever, ever have to work for anything you receive from Me. Put all teachings and doctrines aside and simply believe in Me. Man's unrenewed nature will always force you to earn love, but not in My Kingdom.  Love is true and real here, freely given and freely received. The only key you have ever needed is the one I have always said, and that is to simply believe.

If believing in Me is simply what I am asking, then there is definitely no hard labor left to strum up, is there? What are you trying to prove? That you’re not worth loving? Well, it’s too late for that; I’ve already bought your freedom, paid in full because I believe you are way beyond worth loving! You are My own creation; how could I not love you!
 
Return as a little child again and let Me care for you. Let Me show you just how good a Father and "Shepherd" I am.  Love never owes!  Love freely gives out of desire, passion, and want to. I do not want anything from you. I know that this is hard to believe because of what religion has taught you, but much of the teaching in this area has been lies to elevate man's control and the power of self-worth.
 
I am selfless. My very desire is for you, for you to join in this love with Me.  It is simply letting go of the old and basking yourself in the New.  Let go; I am right here to catch you. Let me refresh you with new life-giving nutrients. It’s time to let the old pass away, no longer beating yourself up with the failures of yesterday. Your self-will separates you from the very help you need. You can’t do it on your own, even if you’re trying to do it to please me. Those days are over. I am escorting you into fresh, new, green pastures. The pastures of Grace!  Eat up, eat well and watch as you blossom and bloom into a new and free you.
 
You are a New Creation! I have washed all your sins away; Pass, present, and future. You are beautiful to me and dearly loved.  Enjoy yourself, yes that’s right, enjoy yourself in My green pastures of Grace.”
 
Loving Truly, Jesus 
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 As much as they would like to be able to say they have learned to be powerful people, this is often not the case. They have simply disguised their powerlessness in other ways.

So how do we recognize a powerless mindset in ourselves and others? Here are 6 classic behaviors and experiences rooted in powerless thinking:


1. POWERLESS LANGUAGE

The first thing that reveals a powerless mindset is powerless language. Frequent use of phrases “I can’t” and “I have to” is a hallmark of a powerless person. “I can’t do that. It’s too hard. I have to clean the kitchen. I have to go to work. I have to spend time with so-and-so.” All of these statements say, “I feel powerless to take responsibility for my actions, so I will say that someone or something else is making me do it.” Powerless people also throw in “I’ll try” to absolve them if they do not come through on a commitment or a promise.


2. FEAR-DRIVEN MANIPULATION AND CONTROL IN RELATIONSHIPS

Powerless people have a deep need to suppress and assuage their abiding fear--fear of loss, pain, death, abandonment, and more. But because they do not have the power to deal with their fear, their only hope is to persuade other people to do it for them. They need other people to share their power with them, because they don’t have any of their own. They need other people to protect them, make them happy, and take responsibility for their lives. And the only way they believe they can get people to do this is to try to control and manipulate them.


3. BELIEF THAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT RECEIVING RATHER THAN GIVING

Powerless people approach relationships as consumers. They are always looking for other people who have resources of love, happiness, joy, and comfort to offer in a relationship to share with them, because they don’t have any. A powerless person will consume whatever another person will offer up.


4. BLAME

Powerless people often blame the messes they make on other people. The reason their life, marriage, child, finances, job, or whatever is the way it is has nothing to do with their own choices. Someone else--their parents, their spouse, their teachers, society--created the life they’re living. They don’t have the power to create their own lives.


5. ANXIETY-DRIVEN ENVIRONMENTS

Powerless people create an anxiety-driven environment wherever they go. At best, these environments have a thin veneer of safety and calm, which uncover underlying currents of control and intimidation. Those who enter their atmosphere quickly learn to shape up and go with the program--until it dawns on them that they will never be safe to “just be themselves” around that person or group. Then they have a choice. Will they stay in the anxiety and submit to the control of the powerless people, or go looking for a different environment?


6. WALLS INSTEAD OF HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Those who choose to stay in and attempt to survive in anxiety-filled environments usually develop a shield they believe is safe and impenetrable. The problem with this is what they think is shielding them from “scary” people is also preventing them from developing intimate connections with safe people. Their self-protection is not helping them become powerful; it is only keeping them from facing their fear of relationship. Often times, this self-protection shows up as a negative reaction to anything that feels or looks like confrontation, vulnerability, or intimacy. As a result, relationships are filled with anxiety. No one experiences the love, intimacy, vulnerability, or truth they need. Though some might call this having healthy boundaries, in actuality it is a wall preventing intimacy in relationships, and is an expression of powerlessness.


Breaking the cycle of a powerless mindset starts with the ability to see it, then taking action to change it. Repentance means to change the way you think. In order to repent from a life of powerlessness, you will need to identify the lies you believe and the influence those lies have in your life. Often lies become deeply rooted in a person’s core, requiring consistent work to dig them out and replace them with the truth.


Wherever you are at on the journey of becoming a powerful person, whether you have experienced  success or temporary disappointment, set your sights on the goal--to offer your whole heart to create strong, lasting relationships. There is no greater joy than the fruit of a life lived with power, responsibility, and freedom.


Peace.  - Danny Silk

I’ll give you one big hint--She wants to feel known and cherished.

Part of being in a committed relationship is learning how to send the message “I love you very much” to your significant other. Every person is unique, and therefore needs a different experience to feel loved. Many women don’t feel loved by the gift of chocolate and roses, or by gifts in general. The reason this approach has backfired in the past for many of us is that we have been aiming the arrow of love at the wrong target. In order to send messages of “I love you very much,” you first need to learn about what makes her feel loved.  One of the best ways to do this is by learning about the 5 love languages. (Chapman, 1998)--and specifically, how to speak her love language!


1. PHYSICAL TOUCH

People who receive “I love you” messages and develop connection through touch need physical contact that others may not need. Touch people have a “touch meter” planted inside their chests, which is counting the nanoseconds since they were last touched. As the meter is depleted by a lack of touch, it registers higher and higher numbers of need. After these numbers reach a certain point, a touch person begins to feel anxiety increase, and eventually can become easily agitated or aggravated--just like people who get grumpy when they need to eat. When they are getting the touch they need, they feel safe, nurtured, and loved, and you will see them at their very best.


2. ACTS OF SERVICE

Acts of service folks also have a meter inside them. This meter is either filled or depleted based on intentional acts of kindness that have either been done, or not done, for them by the people who care about them. Their anxiety will climb when there are many things to do, and they feel alone in carrying the weight of getting it all done.  When someone steps in to help, it lowers their anxiety. What really helps them feel loved is when they see that you are freely choosing to serve them in order to show them affection, not because you feel coerced. Sometimes even the simplest task can make them feel loved and strengthen the relational connection.


3. GIFTS

Gifts people are constantly soaking up evidence that the people in their life know them and think about them even they are not around. This evidence lies in a physical token of love. The gifts person hears, feels, and experiences love through the offering of a gift that says, “I know you. I have been paying attention to you. I have become a student of you, and this gift is a demonstration that I get you.” Anxiety rises in a gifts person if you forget to bring a gift to a special occasion or you give a gift without much thought. Do the work required to find a gift that says, “You were on my mind. I thought you’d like this.”


4. QUALITY TIME

Quality time people feel love and connection when you find them interesting--with the evidence of this interest being that you want to spend time with them. When a quality time person invites you to have a conversation or to join them in an activity or hobby, this is an opportunity for you to send the message, “I am interested in you.” For quality time people, pain enters the relationship when you don’t listen or pay attention to them. Quality time is not necessarily quantity time; the level of genuine interest and engagement you give determines the quality. Engage in the activity or conversation with all your energy and attention, and you will engage them on the deepest level.


5. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Words of affirmation people feel most enjoyed and appreciated when your words and body language include a positive tone of voice, facial expressions, and word choice. They notice the “spirit” or intent of the words exchanged, and that aspect impacts them powerfully. For the words of affirmation person, anxiety rises and falls with the way words are used in conversation. A simple word of encouragement goes a long way toward creating safety and connection. Love flows into them with every positive word, and they relax as they experience someone verbally expressing their enjoyment in them.


So, this Valentine’s Day, instead of doing the usual “buy her flowers and chocolate” routine, why not take the time to get to know her a little more?  Find out what interests her, and how she experiences love the best. Maybe even take some time to read more about the 5 love languages with her in Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages or in Keep Your Love On in order to get an even greater understanding of how you might be able to show her affection and help her feel known and cherished.  


Make this Valentine’s Day (or special occasion) one to remember by sending an intentional message of:


“I love you very much!”


Peace,  Danny Silk

VICTIMS ARE TRYING TO FIND A RESCUER TO MAKE THEM FEEL HAPPY AND SAFE.

Victims will always find fault in the people and situations around them. They feel powerless to do anything about their own choices or circumstances, so they wait for someone else to dive in to save them. Victims might try to convince you how terrible a person or situation really is to invoke sympathy or to try to win you over to “their side.” Often victims are the source of gossip; by broadcasting  what is wrong with all the other “scary” people, and the choices they are making, they hope to attract a rescuer to their side.

BAD GUYS USE CONTROL, MANIPULATION, AND INTIMIDATION TO PROTECT THEMSELVES OR GET SOMEONE TO MEET THEIR NEEDS.
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Often bad guys will blame their control or behavior on the person who “made” them do it. They might say something like, “I wish you wouldn’t make me so mad” or “If you would just listen to me, I wouldn’t get so angry.” Sometimes a bad guy might have moments of vulnerability that might expose the reason that promoted their burst of anger or intimidation.

RESCUERS WILL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE IN AN ATTEMPT TO FEEL POWERFUL.

Firstborn children are prime candidates for the rescuer role, because they are often trained from the time they are little to take care of other people who are less powerful. Rescuing people from themselves and taking responsibility for their lives is a familiar role, and feels like love. But it can actually create unhealthy codependence. Rescuers usually have an answer for someone with a problem. They tend to take more responsibility to work on someone’s problem before giving that person the chance to do so themselves. This does not encourage powerful behaviors from the rescuer or the victim.

People who choose to stay in relationships with this dynamic make an agreement to exercise mutual control over each other. The unspoken pact between them is, “It’s my job to make you happy, and your job to make me happy. And the best way to get you to work on my life is to act miserable. The more miserable I am, the more you will have to try to make me feel better.” Powerless people use various tactics, such as getting upset, withdrawing, nagging, ridiculing, pouting, crying, or getting angry, to pressure, manipulate, and punish one another into keeping this pact. However, this ongoing power play does nothing to make them happy and mitigate their anxiety in the long term. In fact, their anxiety only escalates by continually affirming that they are not actually powerful. Any sense of love and safety they feel by gaining or surrendering control is tenuous and fleeting.

Powerless relational dynamics are a result of a powerless mindset, but today is a great day to choose a powerful mindset.  If you have recognized some areas in your life with these mentalities and behaviors, remember, you are a powerful person. You are capable of deciding the course of your life, and making daily decisions to line up with your core values.
No matter your past, you have the ability to create your tomorrow.

Peace,  Danny Silk